WHAT AGONIZES ONCE, VANISHES NEXT!
[Before you even start reading it, there's a bit of a disclaimer that this whole thing is my personal experience and it won't end up in any satisfying positive thought or something like that.]
I really missed blogging my emotional stuff for almost a year now. And I thought this might be the right time to start it all again. This blog is very very very special to me cos it has captured all my mental experiences so well. I remember last year, writing every freaking thing that amazed me or that had an impact on me mentally and still whenever in doubt, I look back to those days virtually here and that's really calming and satisfying. And it's a kind of paragon of hope for me.
So, I absolutely have no idea of what am I gonna write here today but all I know is that I really need to put such things out here on this blog.
12th June 2020,
I was really sad that day, I even remember I said "I might be depressed" to one of my cousins and god knows why on earth, I used this humongous word to just inflict the sorrow of being lonely. But never mind, let me clear it out for once and for all that I wasn't depressed, I was just sad and people who are close to me, like really close knows well why was I sad at the first place. That day I chatted with two of my great friends and my cousin about this thing and they comprehended the whole situation and they tried to calm me down and it was 'okay' sort of. So, the same night I was again and again having the same thought and it was really bothering me but I also knew somewhere in my head that I need to get some sleep and tomorrow it's going to be a all new day and might be a less chaotic. Actually it's funny how well I'm using this word 'might' here cos I was very much confident that the next day is definitely going to be a good one. Cos guys there's this thing with me of being so so so hopeful that I most of the time ends up reviving this thought to myself that one day, it's bad and next day it's all good and that's life. But, let me tell you, there's no clear cut boundaries for how long you gonna stay disturbed minded and yes, it's true you should never ever stop hoping for the good fortune to end up at your doorsteps. And that's also one of the reasons why I never hold grudges (I will definitely talk about this thing in near future over this blog only). So, evidently the day ended on a disturbed note.
13th June 2020,
This day was definitely worst than the previous one cos I had a very awful dream which I really cannot explain much here but I saw the death of one of my family members. And the very first thing that I did as soon as I woke up from that dream was to go and hug my mother. Yeah, just like a little kiddo. So, that dream really had an bad impact on me and I was disturbed all day. At night, I went to sleep once again hoping that all these back to back disturbing things will be gone the next morning but I never knew the next day would bring a series of mourning episodes.
14th June 2020,
It started well , better than those two days. I even started writing a poem as well titled "THE APOCALYPSE IS CLOSING IN" but I never completed it. So, there was this speculations going around about the end of this world on 21st June 2020 according to some ancient Mayan Calendar. And am really into these astrological things, so I was really intrigued about this whole apocalyptic thing.
I was having my lunch around 1 or 2 pm and my friend called me and she told me that it's all over Instagram and news that SSR died and I said this can't be true, he was a healthy person and how can he die just like that but just then , I saw a message poped up on my mobile screen that SSR committed suicide and I was unable to engulf all this. You know, I haven't watched all his movies cos I was not really a fan of his acting but I was truly a fan of that person's persona. I loved that he loved physics, astrology, astronomy and all those things. I was unable to process the news and I was constantly looking at his picture where he was smiling; I really loved his smile. Thereafter I posted an Instagram story about his demise and few hours later I deactivated my account cos this whole thing terrorizes me knowing how fake we people are and all we do everyday is just another act of hypocrisy. We are living in this whole deceptive world which is unfortunately created by us only. So, I couldn't sleep that night cos constantly I was thinking about how much mental pain he actually went through before committing suicide. I had been in depression for about a year n half and I actually know how it feels every freaking day to see yourself falling apart. I fell asleep at about 5 am the next day.
15th June 2020 onwards till 19th June 2020.
Me and my friends constantly used to discuss about SSR over the calls or texting. And all that I used to think was his agony. Falling asleep at 4 or 5 am everyday was becoming my new normal and even today also I went to sleep at 4 am and walked up by 9- 9:30 am. My afternoon naps were no more sound, they were disturbed in between and my heart beat suddenly used to raise strangely. And I used to have headaches afterwards. I used to feel an urge to cry but couldn't.
So, lately I asked my friend to stop talking about SSR anymore. Last night I watched some good positive affirmative stuff online. I really wanted to go back to those old days where my world used to revolve around reading books and writing stuffs on this blog. I remember those old days where I used to write stories apart from articles and I used to really really enjoy writing stories more than the articles. And I guess I'm gonna come back real soon with a short story and will resume writing articles.
Yup, that's all... I really don't know what made me write all this but it's just that I really wanted to just let go that one week from my mind and wanted to start fresh things from now on.
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